


Kerberos was a LIE (aka that one group chat)

by Arcxus



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (kinda), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cuban Lance (Voltron), F/M, Fluff, Galra Keith (eventually), Gay Keith (Voltron), Humor, Hunk (Voltron) Has Two Moms, Iverson is an asshole, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Lance has a lot of siblings, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pidge | Katie Holt is a Good Friend, Pining Keith (Voltron), Shiro and Matt and Allura show up later, Watch out for Keith's swearing, but with hidden plot, it's a Voltron chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 22:49:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14067291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcxus/pseuds/Arcxus
Summary: Pidgeotto: i'm just gonna cut to the chasePidgeotto: iverson’s a liar and all of you know it. We’re gonna dig up the truth. The #real truthPidgeotto: it will be dangerousPidgeotto: a grueling ordealPidgeotto: there will be sacrificesPidgeotto: remove yourself NOW if you're not /100%/ inPidgeotto: or forever hold your peacePidgeotto: you have been warmedPidgeotto: fuckPidgeotto: *warned(In which the future paladins of voltron get to know each other before the events of canon thanks to a goddamn group chat. Keith has regrets)(Includes garrison shenanigans, mothman, secrets, klance and aliens)





	Kerberos was a LIE (aka that one group chat)

**BBB1:49 AM, G-Garrison.net >> pidgeon_server_4321/encrypt:dr_manhattan//chat_01_open**

**_Pidgeotto_** _added_ ** _Lancelotthegreat, Hunkerdunker, Takashirogane, Tapthatmatt_** and ** _Cryptidkogane_** _to a_ ** _Group Chat 01_**

 **_Pidgeotto_ ** _changed **Group Chat 01** to _ **_Kerberos was a LIE_ **

**Pidgeotto:** i'm just gonna cut to the chase

 **Pidgeotto:** iverson’s a liar and all of you know it. We’re gonna dig up the truth. The #real truth

 **Pidgeotto:** it will be dangerous

 **Pidgeotto:** a grueling ordeal

 **Pidgeotto:** there will be sacrifices

 **Pidgeotto:** remove yourself NOW if you're not /100%/ in

 **Pidgeotto:** or forever hold your peace

 **Pidgeotto:** you have been warmed

 **Pidgeotto:** fuck

 **Pidgeotto:** *warned

 **Cryptidkogane:** Why the fuck am I on this Pidge

 **Pidgeotto** : hOw ThE fuCk are you the first to answer?

 **Pidgeotto:** you got kicked out

 **Cryptidkogane:** I have internet and moderate hacking skills.

 **Cryptidkogane:** Don't question it

 **Cryptidkogane:** What the fuck is up with my username?

 **Pidgeotto:** karma, bitch

 **Cryptidkogane:** fucking Gremlin

 **Pidgeotto:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Cryptidkogane:** I really fucking hate you right now

 **Pidgeotto:** if i had a dollar for everytime you said fuck i’d be rich

 **Lancelotthegreat:** HIIIIII Pidge

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Wait who’s @Cryptidkogane?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Keith. Who the fuck are you?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Wow, RUDE

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I am the /magnificent/ Lance McClain ~

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty good with numbers. Give me yours and watch what I can do with it ;-)

 **Pidgeotto:** 6.5/10 that was pretty bad

 **Cryptidkogane:** Oh shit

 **Cryptidkogane:** You’re Lance

 **Cryptidkogane:** Lance as in the guy who flirts with everyone?

 **Pidgeotto:** yup

 **Cryptidkogane:** Damn it

 **Lancelotthegreat:** oh fuck

 **Lancelotthegreat:** KEITH?????

 **Cryptidkogane:** Yes

 **Lancelotthegreat:** SHIT

 **Pidgeotto:** BAHAHAhAha this is gold

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Keith who was the top pilot but got kicked out because of an attitude problem???

 **CryptidKogane:** So /that’s/ what they’re calling it now

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Keith with the mullet???

 **CryptidKogane:** Fuck you, I don't have a fucking mullet

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Yes you fucking do

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Also you DROPPED OUT how are you even here????

 **Cryptidkogane:** ^^^ I thought we already established that

 **Pidgeotto:** we did. Lance is just slow

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I AM /NOT/

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I just wasted a perfectly good pickup line and needed a moment to recover from the shock

 **Pidgeotto:** lmao more like shitty pick up line amiright???

 **Cryptidkogane:** It wasn’t that bad actually. I've heard worse

 **Pidgeotto:** dammit Keith you’re supposed 2 be on my side

 **Pidgeotto:** but r e a l l y ?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Oh yeah

 **Pidgeotto:** prove it.

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Hit us with the qorst one you got

 **Lancelotthegreat:** *worst

 **Cryptidkogane:** It’s pretty awful but here:

 **Cryptidkogane:** “If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning”

 **Lancelotthegreat:** …

 **Pidgeotto:** …

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What the actual fuck

 **Pidgeotto:** ewwwwww ewww ewwww

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I am shooketh

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith I hope you punched the guy

 **Lancelotthegreat:** That is the literal worst pick up line I have ever heard

 **Cryptidkogane:** Just proves that some people are desperate

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I am /this close/ to losing faith in humanity

 **Cryptidkogane:** I passed that point a looooooong time ago

 **Pidgeotto:** lmao same ^^^

 **Pidgeotto:** welcome to the /Dead Inside/ club

 **Pidgeotto:** but moving on -

 **Pidgeotto:** I added all of you b/c the Kerberos cover up is B.S. and the people in power are lying 2 us.

 **Cryptidkogane:** FIGHT THE POWER

 **Pidgeotto:** that’s like your entire personality

 **Cryptidkogane:** NOT my personalyty

 **Cryptidkogane:** fuck it *personality

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Idk man, it kinda is

 **Pidgeotto:** Hunk stop ghosting

 **Lancelotthegreat:** HUNKKKKK ~

 **Hunkerdunker:** Haha, sorry

 **Pidgeotto:** [big sigh] ANYWAYS

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith’s shitty personality aside

 **Lancelotthegreat:** wait wait wait who are @Takashirogane and @Tapthatmatt?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Takashi and Matt

 **Hunkerdunker:** Holy shit, really?

 **Pidge:** mm-hmm. I know all, remember?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** like from Kerberos? /that/ Takashi Shirogane????

 **Cryptidkogane:** No fucking duh. It’s in his username

 **Cryptidkogane:** What are you, illiterate?

 **Pidgeotto:** oooh BURN

 **Hunkerdunker:** Sorry, but.. um

 **HUnkerdunker:** Don’t kill me for asking but weren't they declared dead?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Shiro is alive or you can fucking FIGHT ME  (╯°Д°)╯︵ ╧╧

 **Pidgeotto:** ^^^ mood

 **PIdgeotto:** also this proves that FIGHT THE POWER is basically Keith’s personality

 **Cryptidkogane:** fuck

 **Cryptidkogane:** I just fucking confirmed it didn’t I?

 **Pidgeotto:** YEP

 **Cryptidkogane:** Damn it

 **Lancelotthegreat:** But they disappeared? In space? Where people can't survive??

 **Cryptidkogane:** If they did it certainly wasn’t because of a fucking PILOT ERROR

 **Cryptidkogane:** Shiro was better than that.

 **Pidgeotto:** aaaaaand that’s why I made this chat

 **Pidgeotto:** because we're gonna uncover the TRUTH

 **Hunkerdunker:** Yeah but why are Lance and I in this?

 **Pidgeotto:** b/c you're my friends? and Keith and I can't do this alone.

 **Crypidkogane:** YES WE FUCKING CAN

 **Pidgeotto:** no we fucking CAN’T Keith you got expelled

 **Cryptidkogane:** I hate that you’re right

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Aww, Pidge you DO like us!

 **Pidgeotto:** Also because lying to you guys was getting annoying and in the way of work

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WOW THANKS

 **Hunkerdunker:** Shots fired

 **Cryptidkogane:** B U R N

 **Lancelotthegreat:** HUNK NOOOOOO I thought we were bros??!

 **Hunkerdunker:** I'm not going against Pidge

 **Cryptidkogane:** Only someone with a death wish would go against Pidge

 **Pidgeotto:** if you do there will be  C O N S E Q U E N C E S

 **Lancelotthegreat:** [sigh] trueeeee

 **Pidgeotto:** so are you in? gonna help us expose the garrison as the lying fuckfaces they are

 **Cryptidkogane:** Pidge CALM DOWN

 **Pidgeotto:** I am calm. I am perfectly calm.

 **Cryptidkogane:** SUUUUURRRREEEE you are

 **Hunkerdunker:** I’ll help

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Sure

 **Pidgeotto:** great!

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith can go ahead and tell the newbies everything we know

 **Cryptidkogane:** Is this chat encrypted?

 **Pidgeotto:** of course, what kind of /amateur/ do you think I am? Hacking the garrison is like child’s play

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You HACKED the garrison!??? WTF!???

 **Cryptidkogane:** Pidge are you sure?

 **Pidgeotto:** YES to both

 **Hunkerdunker:** It’s kind of disturbing that the leading institute in interstellar travel

 **HUnkerdunker:** Can be hacked by a fourteen year old kid

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT 

 **Pidgeotto:** i’m FIFTEEN dammit

 **Cryptidkogane** : Still a smol child

 **Pidgeotto:** i will fucking bite you Keith

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK????

 **Cryptidkogane:** I get the feeling Lance didn’t know

 **Lancelotthegreat:** NO SHIT SHERLOCK

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You guys didn't tell me???

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I feel betrayed

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BETRAYED

 **Pidgeotto:** sorry

 **Pidgeotto:** jk not sorry

 **Pidgeotto:** we didn't tell b/c you can't keep a secret

 **Pidgeotto:** at all

 **Hunkerdunker:** Sorry, but true ^^^

 **Hunkerdunker:** Last time I told you not to tell anyone something Pidge knew less than ten minutes after

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BETRAYED

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BY THE ONES I CONSIDERED FAMILY [dies dramatically] goodbye cruel world…

 **Pidgeotto:** good riddance

 **Hunkerdunker:** Pidge that’s mean

 **Pidgeotto:** meh.

 **Pidgeotto:** this is payback for tripping me back in october

 **Pidgeotto:** I lost my entire fucking project because of you

 **Lancelotthegreat:** HoW tHe FuCk dO yOu ReMemBer thAt???

 **Pidgeotto:** I remember everything, bitch

 **Cryptidkogane:** o_O

 **Cryptidkogane:** I regret opening this chat

 **Cryptidkogane:** But moving on -

 **Cryptidkogane:** So far, the fact that Kerberos failed due to a pilot error was Iverson BS-ing to keep his job. The Garrison actually doesn’t know what happened, which means Iverson LIED about their deaths and the crew could still be alive

 **Lancelotthegreat:** But what are the actual chances of them being alive?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Higher than you think

 **Pidgeotto:** our main theory is that the aliens got them

 **Pidgeotto:** and hopefully that they're alive

 **Cryptidkogane:** I have faith in Shiro. He’s alive.

 **Pidgeotto:** ^^^

 **PIdgeotto:** and even if my family isn't i want to know what happened to them, dammit!  
**Cryptidkogane:** But the main problem is that the garrison doesn’t know shit. Iverson lied to our faces so he could keep his job

 **Pidgeotto:** and getting the crew of Kerberos declared dead means that no search parties would be sent after them so they turned to Kerberos II, and hoped their new plan would succeed where the old one failed.

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'm gonna kill him :)

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What the fuck?? Kill who???

 **Pidgeotto:** KEITH NO

 **Cryptidkogane:** IVERSON WILL PAY

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Nvm if it’s Iverson murder’s fine

 **Cryptidkogane:** He’s not just a liar, he’s a horrible human being in general. Borderline abusive.

 **Lnacelotthegreat:** The only thing wrong with that statement is the ‘borderline.’

 **Hunkerdunker:** Sure but… with his LIFE? Isn't that a little much?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Shit. You have a point.

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Sorry Keith.

 **Pidgeotto:** we’re NOT killing Iverson

 **Pidgeotto:** but he WILL pay

 **Cryptidkogane:** I can get away with murder easily, Pidge :)

 **Cryptidkogane:** Nobody would even know :)

 **Cryptidkogane:** Why are you against this :(

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT THE HELL

 **Hunkerdunker:** Those smiley faces are giving me the creeps…

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith NO

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Actual MURDER??!! I thought we were joking????

 **Pidgeotto:** it would be too much trouble to cover your damn tracks

 **Pidgeotto:** if we want to get rid of iverson find a way they can’t trace back to us

 **Cryptidkogane:** FINE

 **Cryptidkogane:** We give him to the aliens then, in exchange for Shiro and your family

 **Pidgeotto:** hmmmmmm

 **PIdgeotto:** okay, deal.

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What the hell is with you people!??

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I mean, I hate Iverson too but killing him???

 **Hunkerdunker:** I’m with Lance on this.

 **Pidgeotto:** that’s why we let the aliens kill him instead

 **Pidgeotto:** it won’t be traced back to us

 **Hunkerdunker:** But that’s still killing him

 **Hunkerdunker:** Can’t you just get him fired?

 **Pidgeotto:** and leave the him with the chance to subject other kids to his tyranny?

 **Pidgeotto:** no way. that’d be EVIL. Iverson’s gotta go

 **Cryptidkogane:** ^^^

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You guys are all CRAZY

 **Cryptidkogane:** I never claimed to be sane?

 **Pidgeotto:** same

 **Pidgeotto:** also I've been picking up what I think are alien transmission. they all say ‘Voltron’ repeatedly

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Holy shit did you say ALIENS

 **Hunkerdunker:** What’s Voltron?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** guys, ALIENS!!!

 **Cryptidkogane:** No idea but it’s related to Kerberos

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Can we just go back the ALIENS ARE REAL thing? I'm freaking out here

 **Hunkerdunker:** I mean, it was always a possibility? That’s why we joined the garrison?

 **Cryptidkogane:** I thought we got over that before?  
**Cryptidkogane:** We mentioned aliens earlier and you were fine?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** YEAH BUT i wasn’t paying attention then

 **Lancelotthegreat:** A L I E N S

 **Pidgeotto:** proving that Lance is slow

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Why am I even friends with you people???

 **HUnkerdunker:** It’s okay Lance, I was kinda shocked when I found out too

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Wait,,, Pidge told you before this???

 **Pidgeotto:** Lance i told him everything. you just can’t keep a secret.

 **Cryptidkogane:** Aliens are old news

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You're old news

 **Cryptidkogane:** Your sense of style is old news

 **Pidgeotto:** BOOM

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHY YOU LITTLE

 **Cryptidkogane:** I’m probably older than you

 **Lancelotthegreat:** PIECE OF SHIT

 **Cryptidkogane:** If I'm a piece of shit that makes you a piece of Iverson’s shit

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Excuse you I happen to be /THE SHIT/

 **Cryptidkogane:** That was flushed down the drain in ‘06

 **Lancelotthegreat:** qkhbkwf fuck

 **Pidgeotto:** R O A S T E D

 **Hunkerdunker:** Sorry Lance, you walked into that one headfirst

 **Pidgeotto:** he sprinted into it headfirst

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You absolute HEATHENS

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Why is it roast Lance day today?

 **Cryptidkogane:** um...

 **Cryptidkogane:** Sorry

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Np dude we’re cool

 **Hunkerdunker:** I hate to be the voice of reason but it’s like 3:47 am and we all have classes tomorrow

 **Lancelotthegreat:** *today

 **Hunkerdunker:** Exactly

 **Cryptidkogane:** Not me

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah, so you're gonna be stuck with research and decrypting the file I just sent you

 **Pidgeotto:** the second package has the cipher key

 **Cryptidkogane:** Fine

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I can barely look at the screen I'm so sleepy

 **Cryptidkogane:** You should probably  s l e e p

 **Pidgeotto:** I’ll fill the others in later

 **Hunkerdunker:** Goodnight

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Bye ~

 **Cryptidkogane:** Why did you even make this chat

 **Pidgeotto:** we needed help

 **Cryptidkogane:** And /those two/ are your definition of help?

 **Pidgeotto:** touché

 **Cryptidkogane:** Go to sleep, Pidge

 **Pidgeotto:** go to sleep, Keith

 **Cryptidkogane:** Touché

 **Pidgeotto:** nightmares?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Sometimes.

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'm going to go now

 **Pidgeotto:** k bye

 **Cryptidkogane:** Bye

 **Pidgeotto:** ತಎತ

 **Cryptidkogane:** (Φ ω Φ)

 **Pidgeotto:** **ıılı,**

 **Cryptidkogane:** Is that a middle finger

 **Pidgeotto:** Y E S

 **Cryptidkogane:** Send me the shortcut NOW

 **Pidgeotto:** got it

 

 **5:07 AM,** **G.Garrison.net >> pidgeon_server_69/encrypt:conspiracy_bro//direct_message_01**

**_Cryptidkogane >> Pidgeotto _ **

**Cryptidkogane:** What’s with encryption on the new chat?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Why Doctor Manga?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Fuck

 **Cryptidkogane:** I mean Doctor Manhattan

 **Pidgeotto:** hahahahahahah

 **Pidgeotto:** because nobody knows who Doc Manhattan is

 **Cryptidkogane:** I do?

 **Pidgeotto:** like I said,  n o b o d y

**Cryptidkogane: ıılı,**

**Pidgeotto:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Cryptidkogane:** Gremlin

 **Pidgeotto:** lol

 **Pidgeotto:** im actually really grateful you answered

 **Cryptidkogane:** I've got nothing better to do

 **Pidgeotto:** why are you still up?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Nightmares, guilt, anxiety. The usual.

 **Pidgeotto:** I miss him Keith

 **Cryptidkogane:** I know. same here

 **Pidgeotto:** what if we're not ready for what’s out there?

 **Cryptidkogane:** We have to be

 **Pidgeotto:** tbh I'm terrified

 **Pidgeotto:** and angry

 **Pidgeotto:** but mostly terrified

 **Cryptidkogane:** Mood ^

 **Pidgeotto:** good luck with the cipher

 **Cryptidkogane:** Good luck surviving Iverson

 **Pidgeotto:** fuck

 **Pidgeotto:** if this op didn't need a hacker on the inside I would've gotten suspended, just so I could leave

 **Cryptidkogane:** Didn't Katie Holt already get banned?

 **Pidgeotto:** hah

 **Pidgeotto:** Katie Holt died the day they declared Kerberos’ failure was due to a pilot error

 **Cryptidkogane:** We /will/ find out what happened, Pidge

 **Cryptidkogane:** I promise

 **Pidgeotto:** i know

 

**7:16 AM, SMS**

**_Lance >> Pidge _ **

**Lance:** PIDGE

 **Pidge:** W H A T

 **Lance:** I need to know

 **Lance:** What’s his phone number

 **Pidge:** who’s phone number

 **Lance:** Keith's

 **Pidge:** why

 **Lance:** Because.. uh.

 **Pidge:** o_O

 **Lance:** Please…?

 **Lance:** I’m begging you

 **Pidge:** fine

 **Pidge:** 679 483 666

 **Lance:** YAAAAS PIDGE

 **Lance:** Thank you so much <3

 **Pidge:** if you hurt him, Lance…

 **Pidge:** Keith’s not the only one who can get away with murder

 **Lance:** …

 **Lance:** Got it

 

**7:29 AM, SMS**

**_Lance >> Keith_ **

**Lance:** Do you have a pencil? Because I wanna erase your past and write our future <3

 **Keith:** What the fuck

 **Keith:** Lance?

 **Lance:** Yep

 **Keith:** How did you even get this number?

 **Lance:** Pidge

 **Keith:**...oh

 **Lance:** Anyways

 **Lance:** Every day starting today I'm gonna send you a pick up line

 **Keith:** Why

 **Lance:** To make up for that atrocity you shared earlier, duh!

 **Lance:** Pick up lines that bad should be illegal!

 **Keith:** Okay…?

 **Lance:** Great!

 **Lance:** How was that one ^^^ out of 10?

 **Keith:** 7.5 at most

 **Lance:** Damn

 **Lance:** Guess I'll just have to try harder

 **Keith:** Why the hell did I agree to this

 **Lance:** Because I’m irresistible? <3

 **Keith:** Fml

 

**8:36 AM, SMS**

**_Lance >> Hunk _ **

**Lance:** What do you think

 **Lance:** About the Kerberos conspiracy

 **Hunk:** Dunno man. It seems legit

 **Hunk:** Did Pidge send you the file?

 **Lance:** This file?

 **_Lance_ ** _attached_ **_k_was_a_lie01.jpg_ **

**Hunk:** Yeah. That looks official

 **Lance:** I'm just shook that my /life goal/ was a lie

 **Lance:** L I E S

 **Hunk:** tbh I think they said that because they didn't know what actually happened

 **Lance:** Or they /DID/ but they lied

 **Hunk:** Don't you have class right now?

 **Lance:** Meh

 **Lance:** Bio isn't my thing I'll just ask Pidge for his notes

 **Lance:** OH SHIT the teacher’s coming here

 **Lance:** Hth I'll Pythagoras errr hi ghee yuck gccccv8yvy g fyufggvvcgi duff g2g free f but

 **Hunk:**???

 **Hunk:** Lance?

 **Lance:** Sorry bro. I had to hide my phone

 **Lance:** ^^^ that was autocorrect I swear

 **Hunk:** Okay but since when was ghee included?

 **Lance:** Isn't that Indian butter?

 **Hunk:** Not exactly, but close enough

 **Lance:** I

 **Lance:** I actually don't know

 **Lance:** I Google strange things at 3AM

 **Lance:** DONT JUDGE ME

 **Hunk:** Not judging you, but it was kinda funny

 **Lance:** haha

 **Lance:** FuCk

 **Lance:** Fuck fuck fuck fuck SHIT

 **Hunk:** Lance?

 **Lance:** On a side note I wanna kms now

 **Hunk:** What happened?

 **Lance:** We have a new lab

 **Lance:** On xen9biology due Friday!!! FRIDAY!!!

 **Lance:** shit *xenobiology

 **Hunk:** Isn't today Wednesday?

 **Lance:** E X A C T L Y

 **Lance:** I have no idea what xenobiology is!??n

 **Lance:** Im gonna FAIL

 **Lance:** F A I L ! ! !

 **Hunk:** Um

 **Lance:** I don't even remember human biology!1!!!

 **Hunk:** Maybe ask the group chat?

 **Lance:** Oh yeah

 **Lance:** Hunk I <3 you

 **Lance:** I'm gonna go do that now BYE

 **Hunk:** Glad I could help

 

**8:47 AM, G-Garrison.net >> pidgeon_server_4321/encrypt:dr_manhattan//chat_01_open**

_**Kerberos was a LIE** _

**Lancelotthegreat:** AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I HAVE A CRISIS

 **Cryptidkogane:** What the fuck Lance

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I NEED HELP !!!

 **Cryptidkogane:** What is it?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I don't know ANYTHING about xenobioogy and we have a lab due FRIDAY

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I NEED HELP

 **Cryptidkogane:** Why didn't you study?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I'm probably never going to use the stuff they teach in real life

 **Lancelotthegreat:** And I hate the teacher

 **Cryptidkogane:** Who's the teacher?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Mrs. Covry

 **Cryptidkogane:** Oh

 **Cryptidkogane:** Yeah. I see your point

 **Cryptidkogane:** She's rancid

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Rancid?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Shut up. it was the first nasty word that I thought of

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You could have just said nasty

**Cryptidkogane: ıılı,**

**Cryptidkogane:** Last year’s teacher was /so/ much better at teaching

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Ikr?? Why did he have to quiiiiiiiiit…

 **Cryptidkogane:** WAIT

 **Cryptidkogane:** This is perfect

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What?! Why?

 **Cryptidkogane:** There's a new teacher this year, but the curriculum is the same, right?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I think so, why?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Shiro and Matt were assigned this lab too. I have Shiro’s books and shit with me rn.

 **Lancelotthegreat:** That's kinda creepy

 **Cryptidkogane:** I don't trust the Garrison with Shiro’s stuff. Raided his room before I broke out

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BROKE OUT?!

 **Cryptidkogane:** I got expelled before that but I had to bust in again to get the files and other stuff

 **Lancelotthegreat:** How did you even manage 2 do that?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Flashbangs, fireworks, a couple glue bombs and a Molotov cocktail to bust the door.

 **Cryptidkogane:** And very precise timing

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Lancelotthegreat:** ARE YOU FOR REAL!??

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'm pretty sure I'm real

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Rhetorical question BUT -

 **Lancelotthegreat:** The /Firework Incident/ was YOU???!!!

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Keith you are a  / L E G E N D /

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'm probably gonna regret asking but why?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** We got a full week without classes because they had to repair the damage

 **Lancelotthegreat:** And it took that long because garrison staff are incompetent AF

 **Lancelotthegreat:** The teachers told us /n o t h i n g/ about it so we assumed someone had thrown a party and smuggled fireworks

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Or it was a terrorist attack

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BUT STILL

 **Lancelotthegreat:** You're basically a hero

 **Cryptidkogane:** Wow

 **Cryptidkogane:** I didn't think it'd have that big of an impact

 **Cryptidkogane:** I honestly just had to get our stuff back

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I saw the security vids. You're pretty badass

 **Cryptidkogane:** SHIT

 **Cryptidkogane:** I thought I wiped the feed!??

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** OH. NOT LIKE THAT

 **Lancelotthegreat:** The higher ups are clueless

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Pidge hacked the server, said whoever wiped it did a decent job

 **Cryptidkogane:** Oh thank god

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Actually I think he knew it was you

 **Cryptidkogane:** Pidge knew. They were pretty mad at me for getting myself kicked out

 **Lancelotthegreat:** They?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Uh..

 **Cryptidkogane:** Not my place to say?

 **Pidgeotto:** KEITH you are an asshole

 **Lancelotthegreat:** PIDGE??

 **Cryptidkogane:** Fuck you too Gremlin

 **Pidgeotto:** sorry Lance I was ghosting

 **Pidgeotto:** what Keith means is that I'm nonbinary. I use they/them pronouns but garrison doesn't allow that

 **Lancelotthegreat:** The people in power are dicks

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Do you want me to refer to you as they then?

 **Pidgeotto:** I don't much care either way? Idk

 **Pidgeotto:** but thanks

 **Lancelotthegreat:** No problem

 **Cryptidkogane:** Lance, about your lab:

 **Lancelotthegreat:** FUCK why'd you remind me??

 **Cryptidkogane:** I can send you Shiro's old paper.

 **Cryptidkogane:** You can just re-write it in your own words

 **Lancelotthegreat:** But that's cheating

 **Pidgeotto:** Lance your mark is at 53%

 **Pidgeotto:** you're probably gonna fail

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Fair point

 **Cryptidkogane:** File sent using email

 **Lancelotthegreat:** HOW DID YOU GET THAT

 **Cryptidkogane:** You don't wanna know

 **Lancelotthegreat:** KEITH

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'm Batman

 **Lancelotthegreat:** DAMN IT

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Batman is  i c o n i c

 **Cryptidkogane:** Exactly

 **Cryptidkogane:** it’s a perfectly valid excuse

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith 2 / Lance 0

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Fuck you pigeon

 **Cryptidkogane:** About your e-mail

 **Cryptidkogane:** It was on the student database

 **Cryptidkogane:** The garrison has that as public access

 **Lancelotthegreat:**...that’s kinda concerning

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Anyways, um,

 **Lancelotthegreat:** thank you so much <3

 **Lancelotthegreat:** For having my back

 **Cryptidkogane:** Anytime

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith your gay is showing

 **Cryptidkogane:** Fuck you Pidgeon **ıılı,**

 **Pidgeotto:** you wish

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Keith’s gay?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Yeah, I am. Problem?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Nope. I’m bi

 **Pidgeotto:** I’m ace

 **Lancelotthegreat:** So none of us are straight, huh?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Straight is overrated

 **Pidgeotto:** lmao true

 **Lancelotthegreat:** dOwN wITh ThE HetEro aGeNdA ! ! !

 **Cryptidkogane:** Isn’t Hunk straight?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** SHIT ^^^ ReTRacT StAtEmENT ! ! !

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Hunk I’m sorry there’s nothing wrong with being straight <3

 **Cryptidkogane:** Where is @Hunkerdunker anyways?

 **Pidgeotto:** Being responsible

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Doing homework, I think

 **Hunkerdunker:** Nah guys I’m finished. I was reading ^^

 **Lancelotthegreat:** EEYYYYYY ~

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Pls say that you’re not mad at me

 **Hunkerdunker:** Why would I be mad?

 **Pidgeotto:** read ^

 **Hunkerdunker:** Lol, no. It’s cool. I like being the one straight friend.

 **Lancelotthegreat:** It’s like having a gbf but reverse

 **CryptidKogane:** Gbf??

 **Pidgeotto:** gay best friend, which would probably be you

 **Cryptidkogane:** That’s a thing??

 **Pidgeotto:** mmmh yeah

 **Cryptidkogane:** I have regrets

 **Lancelotthegreat:** If Keith’s the gbf, then what am I?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Do you even need a label? You’re  L A N C E

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Awww Keith <3

 **Lancelotthegreat:** But I’m curious what’s my label?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Lance is /bi/curious

 **Pidgeotto:** DAMMIT KEITH

 **Pidgeotto:** stop stealing my puns!

 **Lancelotthegreat:** That was beautiful [sheds tear]

 **Hunkerdunker:** I’d give it 8/10

 **Cryptidkogane:** Thank you ...I think?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** What’s up with your username anyways?

 **Cryptidkogane:** Pidge’s shitty idea of a joke

 **Pidgeotto:** it’s  b e c a u s e . . .

 **Cryptidkogane:** NO

 **Cryptidkogane:** DON”T YOU FUCKING DARE PIDGE!

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith’s got an obsession...

 **Cryptidkogane:** STOP EXPOSING ME!!!

 **Pidgeotto:** with…

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT WHAT WHAT???? SPILL!!!

 **Pidgeotto:** M O T H M A N ! ! !

 **Hunkerdunker:** Dun dun DUUUUUUN

 **Cryptidkogane:** PIDGE YOU FUCKING GREMLIN

 **Cryptidkogane:** YOU ARE DEAD!!11

 **Pidgeotto:** chillax, they don’t care that you’re weird

 **Lancelotthegreat:** LOLOLOL MOTHMAN!!?????

 **Hunkerdunker:** I did NOT see that coming but sure, whatever you're into

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I changed my mind mothman’s actually kinda cool

 **Cryptidkogane:**...really?

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Nah you're a weirdo

 **Cryptidkogane:** You're an asshole

 **Lancelotthegreat:** But tell us about mothman anyways?

 **Cryptidkogane:** No

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHY

 **Cryptidkogane:** I’d rather tell you about Pidge’s obsession with

 **Pidgeotto:** KEITH DON'T

 **Lancelotthegreat:** KEITH YES

 **Cryptidkogane:** Mmmmmmmm give me a good reason not to

 **Pidgeotto:** I'll give you Shiro’s blackmail folder

 **Pidgeotto:** and Matt's

 **Pidgeotto:** and lance and Hunk’s

 **Pidgeotto:** and all my Halloween candy

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Wait wait wait wait WHAT

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WE have BLACKMAIL FOLDERS???

 **Cryptidkogane:** Deal, but erase all evidence of the helium incident

 **Hunkerdunker:** This IS Pidge we're talking about

 **Hunkerdunker:** They probably have blackmail on everyone in the Garrison

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT'S THE HELIUM INCIDENT I WANNA KNOW

 **Pidgeotto:** sure

 **Cryptidkogane:** What helium incident? There was never a Bedouin incident

 **Pidgeotto:** ^^^

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Shit guys I g2g the lunch bell rang

 **Hunkerdunker:** Yeah same

 **Hunkerdunker:** Wait, Lance

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Yes?

 **Hunkerdunker:** You were on the chat this entire period?

 **Hunkerdunker:** In a class you're failing??

 **Cryptidkogane:** lol

 **Pidgeotto:** BAHAHABABSGSFGGBAAAAAAA

 **Pidgeotto:** no wonder you're failing

 **Lancelotthegreat:** So were you!!!

 **Lancelotthegreat:** WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE!?

 **Hunkerdunker:** Free period

 **Pidgeotto:** same ^^

 **Cryptidkogane:** Drop out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Lancelotthegreat:** I hate you all

 **Lancelotthegreat:** except Keith. Keith’s cool because he saved my grade

 **Pidgeotto:** GAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

 **Cryptidkogane:** Fuck off gremlin

 **Pidgeotto:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Cryptidkogane: ıılı,**

**Hunkerdunker:** Hey do you wanna meet up at the usual place 4 lunch?

 **Hunkerdunker:** I brought extra cookies

 **Lancelotthegreat:** YES YES YES GIMMME THA COOKIEEEEEZ

 **Cryptidkogane:**...the fuck is he on ?

 **Pidgeotto:** life

 **Cryptidkogane:** Makes sense

 **Hunkerdunker:** Bye

 **Lancelotthegreat:** COOOOOKKIIEEEEEEZ are love, COOOKKKIIIEEEZ are life

 **Lancelotthegreat:** BYYYEEEEEEEEEE ~

 **Cryptidkogane:** I'll go finish the decryption, then

 **Lancelotthegreat:** Ttyl Keith?

 **Cryptidkogane:** …

 **Cryptidkogane:** Sure

 **Pidgeotto:** HOLY SHIIIIT

 **Pidgeotto:** I fucking called it

 **Pidgeotto:** my matchmaking skills are unparalleled

 **Pidgeotto:** I am a genius

 **Cryptidkogane:**???

 **Pidgeotto:** wait and see, my sweet oblivious child

 **Pidgeotto:** it will all become clear in time

 **Cryptidkogane:** I’m not oblivious

 **Cryptidkogane:** and I'm not a child

 **Pidgeotto:**  w a i t   a n d   s e e  ~

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know where this is going.... (I got bored at 3am, sue me)


End file.
